


Drop-dead Gorgeous, But Long Time Dead

by thegirlwholoveshorror



Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [8]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Army, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Navy, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, BAMF Jared Padalecki, Bipolar Disorder, Dark Jared Padalecki, Darkness Around The Heart, F/M, Foiled Confessions, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Idiots in Love, M/M, Manhattan, Post-High School, Psychopathology & Sociopathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:04:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholoveshorror/pseuds/thegirlwholoveshorror
Summary: With a throbbing head and an aching heart, Jensen sat at the back of the classroom, stared at his laptop screen and contemplated what his words to Jared should be. Jensen couldn't believe it, but he actually still missed the son of a bitch.





	Drop-dead Gorgeous, But Long Time Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It's a fictional story about fictional representations of real people. Also, no profit was made from this work. This is for entertainment purposes only. As for the plot of the story, well, I have an overactive imagination!

> And in the streets, the children screamed;  
>  The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed;  
>  But not a word was spoken;  
>  The church bells all were broken. — Don McLean; _American Pie_

 

December 18 2012

“Why can't you just admit it?” Jared asked.

Jensen blinked, and blinked again. He then shook his head, exhausted yet exhilarated by the prospect of this turn of events today. “Admit what, Jared?” asked Jensen. He sat up and looked around him, bewildered, stupefied... He frowned then ducked his head.

“I'll admit it first if you do it after me,”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Jensen leaned back in his chair and smiled **wickedly** from his seated position at the complete back of the nearly empty amphitheatre while his professor stood and walked back and forth on the main floor as he talked, many steps down from Jensen and where he sat at the complete back of the room: he'd lost everything; his soul and his mind had been shattered, but, he'd survived it, and he had the added bonus now of having learnt an important lesson in the meantime.  _Love is a battlefield,_  thought Jensen,  _and battle scars aren't a choice_. In fact, Jensen had come to accept that victory would never come to him without them... But, all in all, Jared could go fuck himself now.

This boy's existence was nothing more than illogical paradox and a burden to Jensen.

All Jensen wanted right now was to screw with Jared's head a bit. And maybe to kiss him a little. Damn this boy... What a contradiction!

Now, it was nine in the morning and he was tired because he had been up all night exchanging messages with Jared through Facebook. That morning, he had gone to class, although not without pursuing his conversation with Jared over the Internet. Jensen knew the conversation would end poorly because, deep down, he was still very upset with Jared. He had watched Jared change, in the blink of an eye and then more so over time: he had seen him lose his joy and become so angry. He had seen just how destructive Jared could be; and now, he knew what it meant for Jared to lose control... Was he sick or crazy? It had seemed like he was both, but he must have also been depressed. No to mention, Jared had gained like twenty pounds! He was clearly trying to eat his feelings. And, he drank a lot. Regardless, what seemed worst is that, in all this, Jensen had lost his nerve; his edge and spunk had all but disappeared during these recent and past tumultuous times. He was only starting to get these things back now. He was only now off the bottle and starting to make his way back to a normal routine and **lifestyle**.

He lived in the residence halls of NYU now; he had a small room on the eighth floor of the building.

“I loved you when I was eighteen,” Jared confided in him.

Jared was now attending university too: the United States' Naval Academy. He was in Maryland for now, but he'd be leaving for Washington after he graduated, which would be in about three years. Jensen was finishing up his first semester of a bachelor's degree in computer sciences.

Jensen laughed. “I knew it!” he cried, barely managing to contain his joy and excitement. It hadn't just been his imagination after all.

“I remember the first time I saw you; the way you looked... I mean, you were gorgeous. And I dreamed about you a lot,” Jared was clearly not feeling Jensen's vibe. If he could, he'd cover his tender parts. “If I could go back in time, I'd go back to that time when I was eighteen and you were with me in my dorm room,” he said, wistfully. “And I'd kiss you right there and then. I just, you know... I really wanted to kiss you then,”

“Well, that's funny because I never loved you at all. In fact, we weren't even friends,” After all was said and done, this is the message that Jensen wished to convey. “If I could forget you, I would,” If he could go back in time, he'd steer clear and far away from Jared, ten times over.

“You're not being nice. And we were friends!” Jared interrupted.

“Fuck you, asshole! Rott in Hell,”

Jared laughed. “You kind of hate me and love me at the same time, don't you?”

“Actually, I just hate you. I hate you a lot,” Jensen could only imagine Jared's smile. The little turd was clearly trying to break the ice.

“You're adorable,” he giggled. “I adore you,”

Jensen's eyes narrowed into slits. Let's not forget, this is the little bastard that had broken Jensen's heart and had then gone and made a field day out of it with that gold-digging skank of a girlfriend that he'd had at the time.  _Sandra._  “You're a slut. I bet you have crabs or something,” 

“Well, fuck you too,” He said. After a moment, he added, “Why can't you just admit it?”

“There's nothing to admit,” Jensen still had some pride left. “What I really want to know is, why did you tag my parents' house on Facebook and say it was the gateway to Hell, you motherfucker?” Jensen wanted to strangle Jared so bad for this because that was, for him, the drop that spilt the glass. It's when everything really started to go to shit for Jensen. And, to make matters so much worse, Jared had spent the better part of the last two years trying to deliberately crush Jensen's spirit and silence his voice. Jensen, though, had never been anything but nice to Jared.

This was the effect Jared always had now on Jensen... Hurt disbelief filled his senses. Pictures of chaos ran through his mind, like a bombshell or an outpour of lava. It was a bitter cocktail of dread and resentment that Jared served him each time they spoke or met; every time they crossed paths...

“Oh, I remember doing that...” There was a pause. “I just don't remember why I did that,”

Stunned, Jensen could hardly believe his words. He wanted to police him. “Well, get back to me when you do, you fucker,” 

And so, Jensen stared at his laptop screen with bitter disappointment and a constantly growing anger. 

It would never work out between them now. There were too many bad memories, and Jensen now had some very important secrets; epic secrets. Also, he had witnessed things that Jared was too stupid to think he'd notice. And, Jensen didn't think he could ever forgive Jared for ruining his life the way he did. So long as Jensen lived, he vowed vengeance for what was and what was to be his death at the hands of this two-faced piece of...

Jensen had fallen in love with a person that did not exist, sometime between the first and second times he had met him.

 

\-------------x------------- In the winter, spring, summer and fall of 2011 -------------x-------------

Days passed, but Jensen couldn't account for any of them. And so they blurred into weeks, then months...

There was nothing inside of Jensen; no purpose, no aim, no meaning... He was the shell of a person. He worked on weekends and read all through the day on weekdays - The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami...; on the night of every day, he drank and smoked nonstop until he couldn’t think anymore. Sometimes, he went out drinking with his friends, his colleagues from work, strangers... On rare occasions, he even went out for a beer when Mackenzie or Joshua. But every part of him was always **hurting**... And so Jensen just wanted to dull the ache of his life's sorrows. He wanted the blur of his drunken moments to swallow him whole; safe from trouble, safe from pain... Jensen had always been sweet and docile, but everything around him had always been rough and, now, it was only getting rougher.

All Jensen could think of now was that maybe this was it and, holy crap, _why did it already feel like he was dying?_ He was sinking to the bottom of oblivion, and, the more he struggled, the faster and deeper he sank into it. It was all happening just so fast.

It was almost like being caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and activity with no one there to the ground him; it felt like he was stuck in quicksand, but there was no rope there to help him to pull himself out. He was doing his best to pull the reigns back on his depression, but, truth be told, like a heavy flood, it had swept him up with all its force, and now Jensen felt as though he was lost at sea; stranded, left with little hope for rescue and wondering if there was even a possible escape route... The truth is, although he still had some wit, Jensen had totally lost his mind. In fact, you'll find that he had now reached the pinnacle of his madness. Although he smiled in public and covered his tracks like a pro when he had to, Jensen felt like his insides were rotting, like something inside of him was dying... And, it was mostly all Jared's fault.

The really sad thing is, Jensen knew that he was loved by that special someone that he loved. Except, it had gone horribly wrong between Jared and him, and now Jared hated Jensen and was screwing Sandra on a daily basis instead of hanging out with him and pursuing their friendship. Jared and Sandra were going out of their way to show Jensen this, doing their best to rub his face in it... They really wanted to hurt Jensen.

Sometimes, Jensen would look at pictures of Jared on Facebook; looking into his eyes, as if trying to break the code.... He liked to wonder about what he was doing during those times. A couple of times, by chance, he read about him in one of the military's newspapers from his state.

Most of all though, Jensen cried. He cried because he felt like he had nowhere to go. He cried because he'd never felt so alone in his life. Torn into pieces and barely holding on, it would take a long time before the tide would change its route and bring Jensen back to the coast.

Jensen should have been able to stop the situation from unravelling when it did, but it had all happened so fast and out of the blue... Before he knew it, he was in the depths of a depression, falling to pieces, sleeping alone, trying to kill the pain... He hadn't been prepared for it, not in the slightest. And so, he hadn't been able to slow it down or stop it; and so, he found himself understanding all too well the wearisomeness of this life and cursing his existence. All in all, this situation of heartbreak had snuck up on him in such a way that it kicked him when he was already down.

Hence, Jensen had been teetering on the brink of a mental breakdown for years now... For instance, he remembers losing his friends almost immediately after starting high school because everyone wanted to be cool then, and Jensen was a loner who couldn't give two shits about popularity; then, he'd eat lunch in the stalls of the bathroom - although, eventually, he quit eating breakfast and lunch altogether... But, that being said, Jensen preferred being alone. The people around him were shallow and narrow-minded, so vapid... And the world was such a dark place. In the mornings of each day, he'd sit on the floor of his parents' running shower and let the water wash over him as he tried to clear his head, find ways to take on the world... At times, in the morning, he'd even force himself to vomit on the floor next to his bed, just so he could stay home.

But... Jensen had always been seen as someone who was all too quiet and serious: he never smiled. And so rumours spread like wildfire.

I guess you could imagine the rest...

So consequentially, in many ways, this breakdown was all long overdue for Jensen. He'd been trying to hold it together for far too long.

To add oil to fire, Jensen was scared. He was scared of Jared because he seemed to have somewhat of a chip on his shoulder these days because of Jensen, and he was unpredictable. Jensen could tell from Jared's posts on Facebook that he was still extremely angry about what had gone down between them in the Fall of 2010, and his anger towards Jensen was brutal for Jensen's self-esteem. Jensen still wanted to be with Jared. But, the insanity of what had happened was too much to take in. Not to mention, Jensen was struggling to understand just how fucked up Jared really was...

But, Jensen had to get better. From here on out, it would be a slow and rocky climb back to the top, but he'd find a way to get there in time.

After all, Jensen Ross Ackles didn't want to be shamed in **death**... He didn't want to be a target. He'd spent his whole life being a target.

And so, in spite of his misery, he'd find a way to be a weapon instead.

He did it not because he wanted to, but because his family and colleagues had impossible targets for him to achieve.

 

January 2 2015

Jensen hadn't seen Jared since Valentine's Day, 2011. Now, here he sat across from him in a Starbucks in Manhattan, hands tight around a cup of steaming hot chocolate. The air between them was so filled with feelings that there was hardly room for words.

It was dark outside. The snow had been falling abundantly for a few days now: it was almost a blizzard now outside. In fact, over a meter of snow had fallen just that day, and it didn't look like it would stop anytime soon. That was to be expected though because the winter had only just begun.

“So, now you're engaged,” The quiet that followed was immediate and complete.

They were meeting today so Jensen could give Jared's book back to him - an illustrated version of the book 'The Prince' by Niccolò Machiavelli. He'd been holding onto it since the last time they'd really hung out; in the summer of 2010...

“Yeah; her name is Adrianne,” Jared looked at Jensen with soft, almost pleading eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

“Jared,”  Jensen said with a touch of defiance. “This is the first girlfriend you've had that you haven't cheated on...”

“I know; I just—” He added, respect and desire shining in his eyes. He looked down at Jensen's lips with confusion and a questioning face.

“No, Jared,” said Jensen, hiding his devastation. “You may not,”

Jensen may seem depraved to some, but he wasn't; his rationale was not warped and he would never openly commit adultery.

But, Jensen couldn't help think that Jared looked good. He was more built now then he had been all those years ago. He was also mentally and emotionally stronger now. Times had indeed changed, and it was for the better.  _Experience is the best teacher._

Still, there was this intensity to Jared's eyes; this electricity... It's what had drawn Jensen to Jared in the first place. There was just something so peculiar about him. But, Jensen would do his best to stand his ground and ignore it this time.

 

PRESENT DAY

Jared was stationed out in Washington State for God knows how long. He was in the United States' Navy now. Jensen was studying by correspondence with NYU. He'd finished a degree in computer sciences with NYU in the Fall of 2015 and was now doing a degree in finance and accounting, which he'd started in February 2016 after moving back to his parents' house temporarily; he'd be done it by Christmas 2017. 

Working part time and studying full time from home, he spent whatever little time he had to himself plotting his life away. He'd even started buying furniture and houseware, bit by bit, so he'd have what it takes to live on his own for when he moved back out soon.

 

October 8 2010

Jensen was sitting on the floor of the entryway to Jared's house, smoking blueberry shisha tobacco with one hand as the other gripped the large bottle of vodka from which he'd been drinking directly from the whole night, when he finally collapsed down onto his side on the floor.

Disoriented and without another thought, he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling of the veranda that he was under. The deafening sound of laughter filled the air of the room. He didn't mind it. Closing his eyes, he let the obscurity behind his eyes be his veil and the vagueness of the situation overcome him. It had all gone wrong tonight, but there was no turning back now. Mercifully though, the alcohol helped to ease the ache...

Ready or not, it had the best of him now. And, Jensen now knew the meaning of the saying, 'Curiosity killed the cat'.

At least he knew that he could count on Tom to help him through these trying times.

 

February 14 2011

It was about eleven in the morning, and Jensen had started working at 8 h 30.

“Hi,” Jensen choked out upon seeing who had come into his store. Jared stood in front of him, stylish in his long black coat.

“I'll take a pack of Marlboro Reds; also, I've got gas,” He handed Jensen a couple of twenty-dollar bills.

When Jensen turned around to pull the said-pack of cigarettes out of the cabinet behind him, from the corner of his eye, he saw Jared's eyes fall on his ass. “What are you doing tonight?” He asked. “Do you want to—”

“I can't; I start working early in the morning tomorrow,” Jensen interrupted him as he turned around quickly, put the pack of cigarettes on the countertop and then proceeded to work the gas and cash registers. Looking out the window at Jared's car, Jensen could see that Sandra was sitting in the passenger seat of it, and she was turned around in her seat and staring right at him. They gazed into each others' eyes for a moment.

“Oh, alright. Thanks,” Jared said, a look of dejection overshadowing his features even more so than it had been when he first walked into his store.

“No problem,” Jensen replied. “That'll be 21.95 $,”

“Okay,” he accused in a sullen and morose manner. Jensen nodded at him and then proceeded to hand him back his change. “Bye then,”

“Have a nice day, Jared,” Jensen added as the door opened then closed after Jared when he went back outside. He was careful with his words.

 **Now** , here was Jared walking out of the store and to his car...

As he drove out of the parking lot, Jensen stared at them go, doing his best to will his heart to slow down.

All Jensen could think of at that moment was how Jared had approached him, just a few months prior, with a fury that could not be rivalled. It amazed Jensen just how fast he could change his tone. Now, he seemed sad and hopeless; tomorrow... how would he be tomorrow?

 

\-------------------------

Some days, when Jensen closes his eyes, he can see it all happen over and over again in his mind, in vivid colour with a maximum of resolution and therefore detail, and he wonders if that's normal because there's no denying the visual and perhaps emotional effect of it all on him.

After all, there's nowhere to run, and there's no place to hide if it's to hide from yourself.

It's kind of like passing by a traffic accident; it's hard to look away.

It's kind of like getting caught up in a whirlpool. Once you get caught in the current, there is no escape. It pulls you down into its dark depths, and there is nothing strong enough or fast enough to pull you out of its centrifugal spin.

Anyway, we'll get back to this part of the story later. It'd be a shame to reveal too many of the details of the final **showdown** between Jensen and Jared as well as their darkest secrets right off the bat. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, though. It's coming...

 

December 14 2010

“I don't want it, Sandy,” yelled Jared, crossing his large arms in front of him and across his chest angrily, in stubbornness. “I don't want it!” 

“Fine,” sighed Sandra. “but I'll need you to drive me to the clinic,” Sandra wanted to keep the baby, but it didn't exactly appeal to her that the baby only had half the chance of being born normal. And, she didn't have a job and didn't want to work. She mostly just wanted to laze about.

Jared looked around for his phone and picked up his wallet. “Get your bag. We're going now,” 

As he stomped off to his car, she rolled her eyes. Then, she walked out of the kitchen and into the next room to pick up her shoes and her keys, next to the entryway. Before going to join Jared outside, she took a quick moment to look at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Afterwards, she flipped off the lights to the room and went to join him outside. It was a beautiful day and a very good time to be alive.

 

'The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.' — Chinese Proverb

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously won't be posting again for a long while! I just really wanted to get one more in before the end of the summer! :)


End file.
